Voices from Childhood

 

 

 

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Dear Mother and Father:
How dare you?
You are bad.
You are stupid.
You are mean.

You make me sick.

I want to kill you.

You gave nothing but lies.
You gave me self-hate.
You gave me self-doubt.
You gave me insecurity.
You gave me existential loneliness.

You lied and said I lied.
You stole and said I was the thief.
You hurt and said that I was bad.
You are crazy, but you said that I belong in an asylum.
How dare you?

How dare you steal myself?
How dare you hijack my soul?
How dare you change my matter?
How dare you tell me that I am bad?
How dare you?

Who said you owned me?
Who said I was yours to be used?
I am not yours.
I am mine.
Who do you think you are?
Vampires of the soul,
Preying in the dark.

I will tell you once and for all what you are.
So listen good:
You are users, thieves, rapists, killers, hijackers, manipulators, liars, crazy people, sickos, perverts.

My child--rejected, unwanted, unloved, uncared for speaks now to me. You didn't want her, but I do. She is mine and she speaks about you. She tells me all and I am angry for her. My eyes are open and I see you for the dirt you are.
Cowards, Killers!

You tried to kill this child.
You tried to bury her with your judgements, your lies, your sick fantasies
and distortions of reality,
but it won't work.

I will not be silenced.
I will speak to the only person that truly matters--me.
I know, I feel, I was there.
You cannot fool me anymore--not anymore.

I was your fool, your clown, your dupe, but not anymore.
Now I see and I see you in all your rotten, putrid, selfish,
self-serving cowardice and cruelty.
How dare you?
How could you?

I want to make you pay.
I want to hurt you.
I want you to burn in hell with all the other parents like you--
so much worthless trash
heaped into the eternal fire of hell--where you belong.

But, this is not me--but you.
I will live my life getting my power from truth and beauty and growth.
My power will come from bringing people up, not down.
My power will come from light and understanding, not darkness.
My power will come from freeing my child--my best part,
not from crushing her for eternity.

I will no longer be your worker, your ally, your helper.
Fu ck you.
From now on--I work for me.

It nearly drove me insane to think that you never loved me.
I thought it was me.
I hated myself because you did, but now I am learning to love myself in spite of you.
It wasn't enough to not love me, you tried to destroy me and my future.
A stranger would have done better.
Blood, the idea makes me laugh.

Each day I take one more step away from you and your world of death.
Each day I ache and celebrate at the same time.
How I suffer because of you.
How hard I work to be rid of you.

You never deserved me and now I am yours no longer.
Your daughter, she is dying a painful, agonizing death.
She dies so that another version may live.
So much death.
All because I was born to killers with no respect for life.

Every day--I say Good-bye.
One of these days it will take.
And I will be exquisitely, blissfully,
Alone.

Good Riddance.

Most Sincerely,

Andrea

 

 

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