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19th December 2005

M,

As I find myself once again in tears, feeling sick, feeling desperately sad after another phonecall, I have to ask myself: why do I put myself through this? Why do I keep a relationship going which has hurt me badly, is the original reason why my life has been so utterly difficult, so full of despair, so full of fear...

And the simple answer is: for you. Because of guilt, because of fear, because of feelings of obligation.

Are these good reasons on which to base a relationship? I think not.

This relationship has bought me no more than pain, difficulties, frustration, fear and heartbreak.

And yet I continue, always the loyal little 7 year old who fears the wrath of father if she disobeys.

When you decided to be a bully instead of a sweet father (and yes, there is a choice), you gave up any automatic expectations to have a serene and long-lasting relationship.You scared me out of my wits. Literally, you scared the living daylights out of me, so all I have known is the darkness and fear of an endless night, all I have known is how to please others while I destroy myself.

ENOUGH!!

ENOUGH I SAY!!

I owe you nothing. You used me as a punchbag and a dirtbag - and I have long outgrown this role.

Your apology to me was hollow - short and simple. When I spoke to you today you were your 'old self' - you've done your bit, now roll on the close relationship. Loud and clear, this was the message: I've done my bit, stop being screwed up so I don't have to bother with this. A couple times you even asked me to hurry up and get on with it because you 'ain't got so long left'

And to me this is so revealing. It is still your needs your wants. You want this closeness now - but do you ever wonder what I want? Here's a few ideas for starters:

I want an end to these horrible phonecalls/contacts which just take me away from myself and plunge me into an old sick meaningless place

I want to choose my friends and family: those who I freely love and respect, those who freely love and respect me. Those who bring warmth and humanity and depth into my life

I want to live a life based on authenticity, not lies, not guilt, not fear

You have not changed old man

You are still the narcissistic, bullying, sexually-violating, self-involved asshole who thinks he deserves whatever he wishes, who thinks he can destroy a person's body heart and soul and still be worthy of their love and respect.

Not so.

Andrew Vachss writes something beautiful about real families being the ones we choose.

You are not my real family - you are a waking nightmare with whom I wish to have no contact.

You bring nothing to my life but pain and fear

and I no longer wish to know you

Yes, I may seem like the thorn in your otherwise seamless life - but I did not choose this. I began with the potential to be a rose, but when you blocked my sunlight you created something different.

my real family has brought much sunshine

my real family sees the rose

slowly I begin to see it too

 

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