Voices from Childhood

 

METAMORPHOSE 
 
To my non-mother


Time has come that I raise my voice! 
Nobody is perfect and there is no need to be! But, what you did when I confronted you with the reams of lies and crimes YOU committed, supported and how it hurt me, topped everything you ever did: you insisted in always having done right and above all you said you would do the same all over again! It was REPEATING each of your deeds within one second! By that, YOU let NO SPACE for a relationship! In consequence, best I could ever do was first, to separate from you and second, to liberate myself from the huge burden you put on my back! 
For sure, I am not responsible for you, for your life, your health your mood or anything else and I never was! You can save your breath doing as if you are excited, or so shocked that you become sick!  You know every detail since the day you DID it yourself or you decided to close your eyes about it! So if you DECIDE to get all excited that I speak about all that terror, or if you decide to die, to become sick, insane, to have a heart attack, a stroke or any health problems, it is nothing but YOUR OWN merit. I am not responsible if your evil prophecies like a boomerang come back to you! It is nothing but your own guilt! None than you is responsible for it. You can renounce blaming me – it does not work anymore!  I am sick to deal any longer with your acting out against me!  I don't excuse it anymore with narcissistic personal disorder or your own bad childhood. YOU, the mother should have had compassion for ME, for the child I was!     
Instead of it, you had programmed me on never having an own life! My life should be yours – forever – and your intimidations and curses if I dare to look through your crimes and lies worked for a long time! But I AM STRONG and I always was!  You never bore my strength, therefore you murdered any single signal, turned it into weakness and made a dependent submissive slave out of your daughter, me,  for that I will never ever remind you of your own terrible childhood and all the devastating feelings from former times which you never  wanted to remember again!  You saw your perpetrator in ME, in your daughter who desperately, but in vain, did what she could to reach you. You used me as your scapegoat instead of identifying your real perpetrator, the person who's name nobody dared to pronounce: your own father! You rather sacrificed me for keeping your past veiled, and you worked hard for it. But your “great efforts”, that in reality were crimes, were in vain!   
Here I am, alive, telling the truth to everybody who wants to know!       
I am sick of being told – even AFTER I had confronted you with your crimes - that all you did was perfect and you would do the same all over again!  I am sick of being told that I am not entitled to have feelings and an own sight on things! I am sick of your intimidations and curses! I am sick of being your victim, your scapegoat! I am sick of keeping your tyranny on going! I am sick of your self-pity! I am sick of your acting out! I am sick of accepting that both of you, non-parents, placed yourself on a pedestal, feeling omniscient and entitled to decide about life and death! I am sick of being forced to carry the responsibility for YOUR lives and feelings!  I am sick of your crimes and your lies!!! I am sick of your distortions and brainwashing. I AM SICK TO DEATH OF ALL THIS!!! 
From childhood on you forced me to be grateful for the alleged paradise you and my non-father pretended to have created for me!   A  paradise?  Maybe for YOU!  I hated this “paradise” and the promise of a paradise has fulfilled me with disgust my whole life long! Your pretended paradise was a HELL! A hell of abuse in every thinkable way! I haven't forgotten anything! Even if I only list some few of your crimes, you can see that I kept everything in my mind!  Physical abuse – you bate me NOT only on my back and it was NOT  “just a spank”, what also would have been a crime! Often daily, you bate me full-power into my face, mostly you hurt my left side! It relieved you to let us children stand in a line in the kitchen and each of us had to wait until it was her turn to be beaten!  You demanded gratefulness for beating us with your hands and above all I, the beaten child,  had to pity YOU, the perpetrator, for your hurting hand afterwards. How sick is that!  A day without this abominable ceremony was a rare experience for years! Sexual abuse – you, who should have been my mother! -  touched me AGAINST my will, and  you knew that I did not want it, but you told me it were a parent's right AND also yours and my non-father's! What a criminal lie, ever and ever again, but I never believed you!! You told me it is normal and modern education, you made me believe that I am uptight – what an impertinent lie! I was completely normal and okay. YOU and my non father -  and only YOU - were the abnormal, the sexual abusers, the criminals and at least you, who is still alive, should be punished for that and go to jail!!! Above all you did not help me against the man who raped me! YOU sent me back to him although I told you what he had just  made, so I had no chance! You sacrificed me!!! You did not support me after the rape, but I was a whore in your eyes! To go to the police and to care for me – you refused it, because you did not believe me!! You made me responsible to get the man lose his job when you say one word about it!! The man! And ME??? You did not care for me – and not did my non-father! He was in sorrow about his reputation if the rape should become public! HIS REPUTATION ?!? The reputation of a child abuser??? And you closed your eyes above all that and also about what HE did day by day!!  Nothing should be true that you did not want to be true!!! Emotional abuse and daily brainwashing! Verbal abuse – “you silly cow” was one of your “harmless” expressions (I don't want to list the others), but it is verbal power and NOT a joke, it is hurting, degrading! Above all, you tried to sell me for and to force me into a marriage for your and the non-father's advantage! When I ended this cruel game you intimidated me to be responsible for everything that happens from now on concerning your and the non-father's health including your sudden death which you prophesied because of my up-speaking!!! You are abominable lairs and tyrants!  And you, non-mother, are a THIEF, you have stolen  my heritage!  
Since I was a little girl you forced me to bear  your sick mood, you threatened me not to defend, you disfranchised me! You made ME responsible for your mood, for your bad behavior and, above all, for the CRIMES YOU committed! You made ME responsible for having followed your orders or for not having followed them! You turned upside down and probably you do it until today! You are such a coward!!! Such an impertinent, weak coward who needed her weaker, dependent and intimated little girl to trample on and to crush! Was this the victory you desired and celebrated? Did this unequal “fight” satisfy you??  It was not a fight! It was a massacre! A massacre that made you feel elevated, strong, superior!  Who on earth, who is not completely insane, would ever trample on or crash a weaker?? And feel superior by that??? These are Nazi-methods! Disgusting  tyrannic methods of a weak criminal who has the power and the means to crush available people she voluntarily sees as an underling!!!  You knew it very well how evil your crimes were and you still know it! You haven't forgotten anything, like you pretend! This is why I should keep silent! But I look through your lies and this is what you wanted to avoid it with all available means. Like all the other lies, it was also a lie that I have no rights when you are the partner in the game!  
But it is MY RIGHT to express, WHATever and However I want to express it, what things mean to me! This is the important thing! I AM entitled to express what your behavior, what life in this “family” meant to me, how it hurt me, how violent it was for me, how disgusting, how tyrannic, how demanding, how degrading, how humiliating! I HAVE ALL RIGHTS TO EXPRESS MY TRUTH!!!!!  And you should have entitled me! It was your duty, but you did not do what you were supposed to, because you never were on the side of the truth! It IS part of every human life to have and to express freely own thoughts, own meanings, the OWN. Feelings cannot be right or false – and when I express them there is no need to protect the perpetrator's  shame or guilt when the truth comes to the light!  It is NOT IMPORTANT to me what you think or feel today when you get to know that I uncover your lies and crimes,  how you hurt ME, how you abused ME, how horrible life in this “family” was for ME, that I wanted to escape, how abandoned I felt when I tried everything, but I was ignored!  YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!!!!  My wishes, needs, thoughts and feelings were ignored, YOU ignored them voluntarily!!! It is NOT IMPORTANT if you see it in the same way or if it reminds you of any feelings you rather want never to be reminded of!! IT IS NOT IMPORTANT!  How often did you force me to renounce expressing the truth or distorted reality  for that you and the non-father could remain in your illusory world of abuse and lies and that I should never dare to unveil! But I am not your complice! And I do neither keep you safe in your illusory world nor keep the truth secretly on my cost!  Not silence can be the answer on all these crimes and lies, NOT veiling crimes that never should have been committed and also NOT backing perpetrators,  BUT UNVEILING and speaking the TRUTH about the everyday life of a child, of ME. If you don't feel comfortable, it is nothing but your own task to do this hard work and have a look into your past instead of acting out!   
It was your duty as parents to take note of MY FEELINGS AS A CHILD! It was your duty to ask me about needs and wishes, about desires and what I like! It was your duty to fulfill these needs best you can!!!!! It was your duty to avoid everything that hurts me!!!!! It was your duty to respect me as a human being every day of my life!!! And it was your duty to accept and respect every NO that I spoke!!!!!  But you failed! And I don't fear your wrath anymore!  I do and I will express my sight in any way I CONSIDER suitable!!!!! My feelings are part of my very unique and subjective personality and NOBODY is allowed to forbid it – and also YOU NEVER WERE! That you did it was a very crime! It was your nasty attempt to separate me from everything that makes me unique, from my personality! It is and I perceive it as a murderous attack!  
How should the child I was  ever have resisted your orders, the threat of your and the divine punishment in my back? It was IMPOSSIBLE and it is your viciousness, not as you think your grandiosity, that makes you speak such lies!  You forced ME to be grateful that you bore me! I should be grateful? YOU put me into this world! I had no influence on being born or not! You thought you were clever to ask me if I am not happy to be born? This is not a clever but a malicious, impertinent distortion of facts and is nothing but an nasty attempt to get devotion! You are not to devote! You are a human being, may be you have forgotten it! And you are one of the evil ones. One of the sadists. One of the criminals. One of the lairs! One of the tyrants. One of those who tell her daughter she should ask her for help when there is the need, but when I did, you got satisfaction by, instead of helping, having the opportunity to trip me up, to make me fall on the ground, then kick at both legs, batter me, scratch my face and let me go under. Then, when I was at the bottom, you came up with your hypocritical lies and were not ashamed to blame me for not having asked you for help in time, but now you have to go on holidays or shopping!  
I wonder how I can be your daughter! There is NOTHING; ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that we have common! The foundation of my life is completely different than everything YOU taught me by your example! I never wanted to be like you. And I am not! I am completely different! Fortunately I also look completely different!     
All you said, all you taught me, all you forced me to believe is NOT logical, it is NOT caring, it is NOT loving, but  it is impertinent, criminal and murderous! You did it NOT FOR ME – BUT ONLY FOR YOU! You made a devoting slave out of your daughter, ME, whom you forced to kill her Self for that YOU could shut your unloved feelings away!  
I am full of rage since I found out that you let me suffer in vain! The persons who should have been my father and my mother imprisoned me! Life-long, until now! I did what I could and I believed that I had the possibilities to reach and to  save you. I believed it would be my task to save you! I believed that I would be able to save you! I believed it, because you lied at me! You made me believe these lies, you made me believe that your crazy world is not crazy, you made me believe that your craziness is normality! I wanted so much to save you and I did everything possible to make it come true. I even sacrificed myself for reaching the unreachable, for making possible the impossible, because I wanted a MOTHER!  
I wanted to be loved. I wanted parents who tell me how pretty I am. I wanted parents who hold me. I wanted parents who care for me. I wanted parents who believe me. I wanted parents who play with me. I wanted parents who hold my hand, who fondle my head. I wanted parents who ask me about my wishes, my needs, my dreams. I wanted parents who ask me how I am. I wanted parents who listen. I wanted parents who compliment me. I wanted parents to whom I am the child they ever desired. I wanted parents who wanted to help their child. I wanted parents who would never ever forget their daughter. I wanted parents who want to be in contact with their daughter and would do everything possible to have a loving relationship. I  wanted PARENTS. 
But you were not interested, you blamed me more and more and you wanted ME to do what only could be done by you. You demanded the impossible. You, the adult demanded it from me, from the child! What a distortion! No loving and caring parents would ever behave like that! You behaved neither like parents nor like adults!  The only difference between us was who of us has the power. You had the power. You used power.  You did not see a precious little human being in me, not a unique, agile person – but an enemy! What an unbelievable, immense betrayal!  
And never, not even when it was about MY life and MY death you released me from this inhumane burden! What you did is OUT OF ALL PROPORTION! You never saved me. You never ended that cruel game, you never made clear, that the task you demanded  WAS impossible – to everyone! You watched how I destructed myself – and you did nothing to stop it! You watched how I suffered – and you did nothing to stop it. On the contrary, additionally you blamed me for not trying good enough and threatened me never to let me escape from your claws! What an unbelievable, murderous cruelty! 
I hate you for your inhumanity!
I hate you for leaving me in vain in the prison of YOUR OWN guilt!
I hate you for leaving me in the prison of YOUR OWN responsibility!
I hate you for leaving me in the prison of YOUR responsibility  FOR ME!!
I hate you for burdening me with YOUR burden!  
Everything you demanded from me, I GIVE IT BACK TO YOU!
I give the burden I never should have to carry BACK TO YOU, where it belongs to!
I am furious and full of rage, but I will not turn my rage anymore against myself! I do not deserve to suffer anymore in vain!  It is YOU who deserve my rage and my anger!!!   
I have left you and your madhouse behind!  It was your task never to expose me to such an existence that never can be called “life”!  You are adult and you were it all the time I spent with you, whereas I was a child and my parents should have cared for me instead of abusing me! I am not reachable for you and for your sick lies anymore! I have left your crazy world where none can live besides from you, where everybody who tries is under disability. I am unburdening myself from all that shit you put on my back!   You think you are grandiose, you think you have found the one and only way to live, you think you are entitled to prevent ME from MY life?! But you are not and you never were! You were not even able to be a caring parent and to manage your own life!! You are really nothing than a coward, nasty, weak, manipulating and tyrannic woman. And believe me, I don't  owe you anything! 
I OWE YOU NOTHING!  
I allow myself to be free and to live MY life! 
Rica